“Would You Like a Virgin?”

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

“Maybe, but, ah… I’ll have a couple of drinks first”

It’s one of the classic dialogues in the movie Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988). Quite simply one of my all time favourite movies.

Elvira was brought back into my mind recently when we went for dinner at a pub in Brunswick with Sue and Kathryn. They had Elvira’s Scared Stiff pinball machine there and I just had to have a go.

I’ve loved Elvira since the very first time I managed to stay up until midnight to watch the b-grade (sometimes less than) movies she used to introduce. I’m not sure how old I was at the time but I was in love. It was her humour and over-the-top campness that drew me in and has made me a friend for life. Some gays are friends of Dorothy I reckon we need a “friends of Elvira” catch-phrase.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is a cult classic and follows the adventures of Elvira from TV presenter to Vegas show queen, with a few detours along the way. The writing is superb, the quick jokes are awesome and the 80’s feel is really timeless.

If you haven’t seen this movie, and you love camp, dark-ish humour you’re doing yourself a disservice. Get your hands on it now.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark was followed by Elvira’s Haunted Hills (1991) and like all sequels didn’t serve quite as well. It’s still quite funny but no a scratch on the original.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Other notable quotes by Elvira in Elvira, Mistress of the Dark:

“Don’t have a conniption fit”
“Oh well, there’s nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there’s lots of sex and violence.”
“Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”
“Revenge is better than Christmas.”
“How’s your head?”:”Well I haven’t had any complaints yet.”
“Grab a tool and start banging.”
“I didn’t know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.”
“My name’s Elvira but you can call me ‘tonight’.”

It is also the from where I picked up the phrase “Don’t have a conniption fit”.

Man, I really love that movie.

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