I dreamt of him again last night. No longer tormenting his purpose now he believes is to provide comfort. But surely he understands, how I can be scared just at the site of him.
I believe him when he tells me all is now good, I trust him with my life. I see now, in hindsight that his very reason for being was a defense and no malicious intent existed!
After all how scary can one 13 year old boy be. Especially when he is little more than a dream.
Nathaniel, or Nate as he now likes to be known, says that he has now reached a place of peace. Happy to rest with-in along with the others that share this existance.
A long time ago we learned to stop saying we! And now I fear more & more that one day I will be I for good. Do they not know how I need their collective mind. Perhaps through their healing my own begins.
Nate is a smart boy, at 13 he has lived. That I suppose is yet another thing I regret. Though almost 11 years have past since Nathaniel arrived he remains the same age as the day he joined the crew. I will grow old & will no doubt forget his witt, wisdom & courage. Nate has kept me alive all these years & in this writing I hope to return at least a little for all he has been for me.
Being we is something that we have never questioned, though I have not always been this way the joining was something that seemed to complete me. Filling a void, carressing the inner me that no one ever had access to.
How many are we, we don’t know. All I know is that each of them has become part of me.
Do not live in the belief that you as a human are all powerful, rulers of this earth and kindred of God.
Just because you are the only species who can write the word of God, does not mean you are the only one who hears it.
“Why?” I heard him ask as he left the room.
“I don’t understand” he called from the hall.
“You know I wouldn’t if you didn’t make me”, the entry door opens.
An engine starts.
The car moves away from the curb.
Muffled sound as it disappears around the corner.
I remove my hands, that protected my face.
The same hands that wipe away the tears of pain.
I breathe a sighed breath as my new life begins.
I learn all I know about people through life and observation. I am one of those people who never fits in completely and kind of likes it just that way.
I feel it pushes me to excel – fearing personal rejection of my work and a push towards excellence, not always achieving it but pushing hard regardless.
I have often made it a goal in life to meet new people, see new things. A goal I never achieve due to the inner self wondering of what to say. Analysing everything before it comes out.
I think this may present me as non-spontaneous, milling the words in my head before they pass my lips – the moment is gone long before a sound is heard.
They say carpae deim – I ask: Isn’t Latin a dead language?
I am here at a developers conference, an air of confidence surrounds the scene. A confidence I do not share but wade through as I move around the attrium. I fear drowning slowly! Swallowed by those around me, disappearing into a void created by my mind.
“Hi”, It’s not a hard thing to say, but what comes next? One can worry or one can open his mouth and see what comes out.
Alternatively one can sit here writing this while meaningless banter goes on around him.
Perhaps tomorrow! This is a three day conference.
They say it is another day, but is it not just another segment? The journey through today will prepare me for tomorrow.
I shall slay the beast of loneliness first with my eyes, then with my heart. Only then will my lips part and utter the word my ears dread to hear; “Hello”.
By the winds of the night
The waves of the tide
I command that the gods
Take me to your side
In closing my eyes
Releasing my soul
Getting to you
My ultimate goal
Letting you know
There is someone here
Whispering to you
“Sleep well, no fear”
Telling you now and forever I’m there
Let you see, forever, I’ll care
So good night to you
See you in sleep
Your rest in my heart
Where forever you’ll keep.
I want to scream out loud, not just with-in my head.
Need to vent but no outlet exists that will understands.
Frustration… I know what I need to do and what I want.
More time is needed, more of me is needed, but not to be found.
So with-in my head I scream and cry,
lament everything that can not be.
If I fall away, I won’t be missed, until they want something new.
I don’t perform brain surgery, but is my contribution worthless?
Why does there have to be a reason?
I just am.
Why does there have to be an excuse?
I just did.
Why do I need an answer?
I’ll just keep on guessing.
Another term has just begun
For the next ten weeks there’ll be no fun
We come to school day by day
Listen to what the teachers say
From home to school to home again
Whether it’s sunny or pouring down rain
Getting lost within teh school
Like a mechanic without his tool.
Going from music, maths and history
Why I’m here, that is the mystery.